This led to three final pieces of rumination. A small set of resin sculptures, made primarily to learn the technique of casting in series, but then finished differently to present as unique individuals, a set of abstract self-portraits, and a larger pair of abstract sculptures of my partner, Saul, and my myself.
The resin pieces look like robots and I imagined them each as made from the same factory, each intent to derive meaning and self-worth through outward distinction. I made enough of these to realize they all were deluded and fundamentally the same. I then took dried flowers given to me my friends within my cohort and embedded the petals in an additional figure.
As as result, this figure was inherently different and literally more mature (articulated with joints instead of stiff limbs). Which is to say, only by existing within community, making and being made by it, was this figure able to truly stand out from the others in series who instead had differences that could be removed or scratched off as superficial.
The pair of sculptures that came to represent myself and my partner initially were going to be one much larger work. It was going to be a self-portrait and purely formal in concern after so much emotionally exhausting prior art making. I made a few versions of surfaces to try to find the most resonant depiction of self to skin the construction with. In doing so, I sought help from my partner Saul.
Saul is an architect and knowledgeable about construction and structures. Due to injury, he is unable to use his hands for prolonged sketching and so I had to draw my ideas and his own just to have the conversation.
I realized that I was doing illustration again, making use of what I can render to facilitate community and understanding with the most important and actual person I know, and as myself. And as such, without costume nor artifice nor mediating objects more complicated than a pencil sketch, I was able to engage directly to understand and be understood.
Again, these conclusions may seem trivial: friendships matter, be yourself with those you love, try to understand the people that matter to you. But my art practice allowed me to arrive at them myself, through process and reflection. I felt like I had reached some sort of conclusion around the primary topic of my foremost anxieties. In answer to the question: this is what art for myself looks like.