This seemed at first to mean exploring relational aesthetics as the next topic. However my first thinking on the subject raised concerns over the ethics around involving others in my art.
I spoke with a candid street photographer I know about his understanding of consent. I spoke with a young portrait artist I know who is just now making his career showing paintings of other people who may or may not benefit from the exhibition. I spoke with the creative director of a performance troupe about making use of others as moving parts in choreography and the ethics of such. I found a newspaper article about graphic designers in San Francisco improving the signs of homeless, evidently to some acclaim and padding their portfolio while their “clients” still remain homeless and in need.
It seemed to me that at least with imaginary friends, I was not hurting nor using anybody. I was wisely counseled to not overthink it, make myself vulnerable and trust others to enter into the work as one human being to another. I concluded this to mean I had to get involved in the art. It began to look like costume and performance.
My concern shifted also from loneliness and social anxiety, to managing relationships and boundaries, to now thinking about depression and self-worth.
I took up the imagery of a black dog as a metaphor for depression as understood on my father’s side of the family. I made four attempts to inhabit the imagery, each requiring different formal concerns, more exploration of technique. For one, I learned to sew and made use of foam and fake fur, fabrics and such for soft sculpture. Another attempt involved pulling together a purchased conclusion and the subculture that went with it. I also engaged in more theatrical roleplay with minimal make up and costuming.
Each of these attempts concluded in my performance among others doing the same thing, this normalized what I was doing so I could focus more on insights related to the designed self in context. Showing up as a dog in costume to a event with others doing the same thing is different than being the only one in a mask.
This body of work was quite emotionally involved, but ultimately demonstrated to myself that I could manage my presentation, find and engage with others, and not be defined by my anxieties. I met with many, many people engaged in self-creation along the way. The mediating object of the costume or the character was useful for navigating these situations. But by the end the final conclusion was that the relationships only mattered while the costume was active. I still needed to do more if my art was going to center what felt like authentic interaction.